Just today, the program managers were here to listen to our feedback about this lecturer that my classmates were so persistent to chase her out of the class and never come back. So no doubt, lecturer M does have very strong indian slang but I'm still fine; quite neutral towards her. The main problem they're just unhappy with is that every sec or two she'd drop us e-mail to do up on our online discussion board. And they felt quite pressurized because being college students, obviously we'd want to totally have no contact with books and just let loose - at least for a good weekend - but it seemed like M kept bombarding us with e-mails asking us to update every now and then. I do admit this is sick, but on the fair side, if we really have the intention - we got every right and it's our choice - to ignore all of these then we won't be grumbling right now. I've been burning my past 3 weekends with piles of school work. Been busy and crazy with not just the latter, but also with my personal life; emotions kinda screwed lately

Okay I know there are so much things I want to talk about in my blog, to just update it as and when I want and need to, like on a daily basis but I did not. I logged into this account and begun writing, barely a sentence and I just backspaced everything then close down the window. Obviously I couldn't have the urge in me to like, flounce from the internet given my unstable emotions. That's why I'm sitting down talking about the changes in my life so calmly now. Faced with really difficult problems and things, well they were escalating and getting worse, which had reached the breaking point already. I cried all the time, too much, till my head couldn't take the extreme pain and I had to use the TV controller to hit it uncountable times. I bet those tears I shed for continuous days and nights could fill up a cup to its brim. I was in such dire straits that I felt so lost of what to do at all. Normally, I'm not this bad off but I was just generally sad. I mean, depressed. So I started throwing my tantrums a lot, even since the beginning of this year. My anger management was just getting worse till on one special day, which marked my 7th month with my boyfriend, I promised to curb my temper after all this shit. Now, I'm taking an overview and expressing out what I felt, and feel, because we all have to move on in life. PS: Even though it's just 2 days, but I haven't showed a slight of temper, and I'm feeling proud of myself. This is one thing I'm gonna continue working hard for in myself because it does affect my surrounding people's moods a lot. And I'm already 18 and old enough to know what is wise

Yesterday, we sat in the dark and had a heart-to-heart talk. You taught me something valuable - you always do. When we have too high expectations of all things, and forget the fact that not all things go our way, we can only expect disappointments in the end. An army of invisible men lines up in us, they link arms and form a barrier that separates us from our soul. But if we are easy on things, most importantly, easy on ourselves, the men will put down their shields and rest. Then, we can be all of us again. It isn't easy to change so much negative sides of myself; be it having highly expectations since forever, being so temperamental and bad-tempered, or expecting things to always stay the same. I'm getting the grip of it and I'm sure I can pull it off far better than I had tried before - which I kept returning back to the same attitude after a while. It's you that give me so much faith to get better in every way, R. I don't want my negativeness to put our relationship at a risk, if y'know what I mean. My friends said I seem like a great girlfriend, to always write you notes, buy nothing much for myself but spending on you when your intention to gimme allowance was to spend solely on myself, and etc. I would beg to differ; I didn't know how to treat you better in the beginning of our relationship. All these cruel memories come flooding back to me and I can't help but bring it all up and remind myself what a bitch I was.
- When we were about 2 or 3 months old, I got angry over the slightest things because I felt you needed to dote on me and not be mad at me afterward. When we were in the game shop, I told you my head was hurting bad. Judging so well of the situation and problem, you took off my hairband because it was really hard on my head. I got pissed and refused to talk to you for a while. That was one of the times I feel what an asshole should be like.
- Then, when we were out, I'd tell you how cute that guy was and how the other smiled at me. I did not consider your feelings, knowing how hurt you must have felt while I said all that in a moment of folly. I was so ignorant and you were so silly. Right now, it would kill me to even see you talking to girls in the service line. Huh, pretty pathetic right? I can go on and on about how I didn't used to care that much of your feelings, but I swear upon anything that right now I'm absolutely particular about how you feel every time I made a statement and if I am doing good enough for you

Now that I'm reminded of it, I went to M'sia, Pontian, with R and his parents on a Sunday morning - in between my busy weekends. It was a nice trip, with a lot of plantations everywhere. We went to this wet market and everybody was talking in their loudest tone. The fishes were so huge and even though I can never stand the stench of wet market, I still felt quite comfortable and warm because the people there were so happy and friendly. When I was around 5 years old, I'd always wait for mom somewhere outside the wet market when she was shopping for the freshest groceries, although lecherous uncles would never stop whistling at me, god damn yes I was just so young I wasn't even tall enough to kick those filthy smelly asses. From Pontian, we bought a lot of durians and fishes home. It was a simple trip but at least it relaxed me a little. So today after class, I headed for lunch with my big bunch of classmates and spent our noon at the arcade. They were pretty nice, knowing I had to look for some books, they accompanied me everywhere - like all of them. We had much laughter... They were going through this Name book and begun searching up for definitions of names and started laughing by themselves. Anthea was flower and Roy was the king. So yup. I was playing this fighting video game with the guys and I beat two of 'em as easy as peanuts but Melvyn took up my challenge and man, he was good at that. Sweetheart, let us play that sometime soon! We should take a break from Naruto already. Goal this week: Take a breather outside enjoying nature and think of how fortunate I am, as compared to people who don't have things that I do. x