These are past memories... How I grew up from all the temporary happiness which I deemed could last me a lifetime, sorrows and unhappiness that made me stronger, and tolerates that I had been enduring before I put a halt to everything...

When I just started my first year in sec school, everything was new and fresh to me. I learned to cook for that person I regarded as my love one, I cried so much but I thought I was just not mature enough to handle things, I went home in my uniform so late everyday; the earliest would be 6 in the evening and latest would go up till 11pm. It hasn't even hit me till we stopped seeing each other completely that I wasn't sure if my love for you was that strong as my determination was to wait up. We could only communicate through letters, and only letters. It was tough for me to make that decision, but I'm glad I did and not pulled it till later. Screw "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I was young and shy, but what we had—I wouldn't say was puppy love—was no doubt memorable as it was my first and it lasted for a 3 years. But it does not matter as much to me now that we have gone our own separate ways. You were gentle yet aggressive, kind yet the last impression I had of you wasn't like this, understanding and honest yet jealous and always attempting to violence. Now, you are just a guy who walked past my life

In between, I was having many close relationships with guys—I wouldn't say flings—but they didn't last long and memorable enough for me to express down here. Until in 2008, things were serious again. It was all wrong from the start. From the moment I lay my eyes on your hands—the ring on your fourth finger shining so brightly under the sunlight—it was already wrong. It was a great week spent together, but as days went by, I began having the gnawing anxiety at how soon all of that would end. We only had a few days to see each other, and how hard it was to force those terrible negative feelings away. True as expected—even though we still get to talk after you took your flight back—it was not the same anymore. I fell in a deep depression; nothing mattered anymore and I only wanted to fly over to spend all my time with you. Ask my friends; oh they knew how sad I was. You were optimistic yet always giving those sad eyes, small-sized but tough in fact, sweet and but not very receptive toward confessions, dark; I never knew what you were thinking behind those smiles. Now, I think of you as just a hi-bye friend

The people who claimed they knew me—in actual fact no one really did—said I was sort of a full supporter of multiple races because one day I could be seen dating a Malay, Caucasian, then the next with Indian, and whatever. I did not plan that, as it all just came naturally though. I met someone who was very kind, and he had the same birthday as my mom whom I thought of as the kindest person in the world. But things weren't that simple after a few months. I thought I was going out with a multiple personality disorder person; in the middle of the night he would demand me to cab down to look for him when I was having my major exam. Ask the girls, they were so mad either! Then I heard stuff that torn me apart. At that moment, I only felt like stealing a gun and blow his head off. But no, I couldn't waste my future on him, when I already had done so for 6 months. Anyway, I'd say he's the worst I've ever met... Enuff'

After having gone through all that, I was sure I wasn't gonna fall for anyone any more, at least not for a while. Been through so much shit and I was left in a mess, I received the best X'mas present ever—That boy called Roy whom our friend in common was Raymond. On 25th Dec 2009. I still remember the following day after we first met, I was away on a vacation for a few days. As much as I'd like to think of, I wasn't truly enjoying myself because I missed talking to you. The feeling was so strong and new. It was crazy, but you had already become a part of me at that instant. You are the only person who will drop everything to be with me at any time no matter what the circumstances. We often come up with endless questions that we know will never be answered—why do we only meet each other now after going through so many previous people and all the shits. Perhaps the nearest answer to that would be how we grow from all of the heartbreaks and sorrows, else we wouldn't be as strong as we are like right now. It's true that you are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I'd wanna grow old with you, I want you to be my last guy, I wanna marry you. It's true—I want nothing except this feeling to go on forever