Been using bugfordinner this space for many years but I have this urge and feel to be a tumblr girl. Maybe when I'm sick of tumblr, I'll be here again. PS: I'll be updating more often!
Click click tumblx.tumblr.com
See you there! x

Come with me My Love to the sea
The sea of love
I want to tell you
How much I love you

Playful Mafia has been spending 2 nights at my place. Frolicsome as ever, he always put a smile on my face even when I am in low spirits. It's nice waking up to him sprawling across to me, the urge to play once he sees me opening my eyes. I've took him out for 2 walks n baths, happy boy! Can't get enough of him. He's a nice and good puppy, even when the gate is open he won't dash out. Once or twice, he did - but he came back eventually, after a few steps... My family loves him a lot, and he prolly does too because each time someone comes home, he would jump so much and lick them all around, before yearning to play again. And when they were heading out, he would see them off at the gate, looking so melancholic. Aww. Both mornings, I would be disturbed by his constant barking. Turned out he wanted to get out of the room to play with my family. My Daddy or brother would just stand outside my door, and smart Mafia would get so jumpy n excited - both of them behind a thin glass door hoping to play with each other. So cute. Everyone talks to him, like how we talk to a small baby. Sadly, it's just that lovely Mafia of his own calibre has no dog friends. As much as we think it is unhealthy as there is no outside interaction, I would love to bring him out for more walks n maybe a day or two at some Dogs' Cafe. I'm willing to sacrifice my time for Mafia, just to make him happier...

I don't understand why do people abuse dogs, or other little animals... They are innocent and harmful. All they ask for is love and to take care of them. I just watched another cruel video of a bastard abusing a toy poodle and it broke my heart. I knew I shouldn't watch any more of such videos because I'd get very angry and heart-broken. Till now, I'm still weeping away... If I were right there, I swear I would do the same thing back to him as what he did to the poor poodle. I mean, why would people do such a thing? Are their hearts made of cold hard stone? I don't understand...

One thing I often ponder to myself is, why do new problems come after old issues have been resolved? There are many questions that will always remain unanswered. A week or two of misery, sorrow n despair, I've been so worn out. If you're curious as to what happened, even though my 19th birthday just passed, I would say some things are not what you see from the outside. You could be having an awesome party with all the close people around you, but are you truly happy? Have you ever felt scared? Afraid of expressing yourself out because you know the things you are gonna hear and get back would be the last thing you wanna hear in this world? Tell you something new... Since young, I was always quiet n would choose to keep my thoughts n feelings to myself instead of expressing them out - I then happened to realize I actually kept more than just a few diaries! But one thing I never stopped doing constantly was to write letters. It is something I used to do almost everyday; even when I've no one to write to, I'd just scribble a lot of heartfelt words on any notes I could find. Months later, I'd gladly chance upon some of them in all places. This is a good way to remind myself of stuff that I've once written - both good and bad. Positive words, surely it's a thing worth reminding n remembering for. While for negative thoughts, I'll take them as a motivation n encouragement of how I've gotten past them n grew up from

Just recently, I don't really write anymore... Busy schedule; running around all day long running errands n settling stuff isn't a reasonable excuse for neglecting writing and reading, though. So I shall skip that part since I don't wanna get judged. Hehe. See, the bad side of being in a hiatus is that we don't let out our thoughts anymore. For my case, I've stopped sending my boyfriend endless written n sincere letters, n that's when all the problems seem even harder to be solved n get on with. As much as I could remember, I had been having a tough time coping with things, especially on my birthday week. It was even indescribable as everyday I was so immune to crying n breaking down. It was never the sort of thing like we were on a verge of breaking up, because we always have this strong faith and burning hope in us no matter how huge the problems have blown up to. But it had been extremely... difficult for me. Both R and I are short-tempered, impatient and sensitive - I'd say most of the time. Sometimes, it was impossible for us to communicate at all. I reckon this is one of the few obstacles couples go through together. Now that I think back, oh man, my birthday week was indeed terrible. Everyday was just crying and more crying... Even few hours before my birthday party, we were fighting so bad that I had zero mood to celebrate. We kept telling ourselves that we're gonna truly enjoy ourselves and put the conversation till after the party's over. For that instance, I knew it was impossible for me to spend a night with all my loved ones - and especially him - smiling n pretending I was the happiest girl n that everything was smooth and great. Boy, was I wrong. When the crowd started coming in, we were happy welcoming them that we soon forgot about the conflict and unhappiness we had...

The Saturday was at Hard Rock Hotel, Resorts World Sentosa. He has indeed put in a lot of effort for the 15th as if his life depends on it. On the 16th, it was my 19th birthday as well as our actual 1st Year together but the hotel rooms were fully booked on the 16th so we had a celebration a day in advance. The cake-cutting moment was one of the most exciting parts of that day - surely it was - because I got such a pleasant surprise from the Love that my huge cake was Snoopy! See cake... He specially arranged cherries for myself as well, knowing it's my favorite n he wouldn't want to miss out any single detail. What's more, Cherries, hmmm. It's something that would undoubtedly get me happy without a least bit of effort. To top it up, it wasn't easy to have that cake because he spent many long calls with the person on line - regarding the decorations n preferences of the cake. One thing I appreciate a lot too, was the Snoopy balloon he specially asked to customize. See balloons... We were still in grouchy moods when we had the room access card but upon seeing the balloon, it just made me feel so touched n loved. At least I know he's true in heart n always gives me all his best. The whole night was just drinking, playing n more drinking. The midnight strikes; Alcohol starts. Martel n Black Label wasn't even enough. Then, most of them left in the dawn whilst we catch a few winks. The next day was a walk around RWS with my family. After continuous hours of walking, we headed back in the evening but I realized I left the camera charger in the hotel room! So we made a U-turn back again...

Speaking of which, my memory is getting from bad to worse. Ever since Dad got me my Blackberry, there were a few times I almost lost it. All of those careless moments were brought about by my negligence. I actually left it at the paying counters n would head back n retrieve it from some honest souls. It's not that I don't appreciate my stuff n belongings, but it just slips off my mind so easily! Just this morning, I realized I have lost my iTouch... Can't believe my mood was totally gone for the entire day. It was a Monthsary present from my bf n all that matters to me was that there are a lot of heartfelt words in it meant for R. You know times when you just thought of something so you scribble/type down lest you forget clean about it again? I had a few important issues that I've been meaning to fill my bf in. Right now the unacceptable fact lies right in front of me, what else can I do? So Monday, which was the 17th, we visited Universal Studios (USS). It was great apart from the fact that it rained that day n brought much inconvenience n that it closed at 7pm while we had the misleading idea it was at 10pm. (I was still depressed that day because I remembered crying twice on that trip, yes things were that bad) We were checking out when I carelessly left the camera at the paying counter, yet again. It was then when the cashier chased after us for a short distance to return it to us, another kind soul. I would've popped a killer pill n die in silence if I were to lose all that fresh pictures we just took from the trip. It was so nice, so fun n memorable. See photos... We ended the night at Henderson Waves, talked under the broad sky n lightly cold wind about everything. I am pleased to say after that heart-to-heart talk, I stopped crying. It's a wonderful thing...

Special thanks to all the presents that I've received - Lots of make-up, though. Porter bag, my birthday dress, huge lovely cake, Gucci Rush my all-time fave a.k.a. secure perfume n USS tickets by my baby boy. My eldest brother for booking two hotel suites n the Gucci BB cover. My parents for their $$$ n endless love. My other three brothers for their $$$, present n infinite concern. Appreciation to the rest, who made the effort n everything else. I was hoping that my fave cousin Whitney would be there, though. Nevertheless, I had a good lunch at Cedele with her before her flight took off! A lot more words to be expressed but I shall keep them to myself...for it's 5am n I'm a bit shagged after a solid week of project meet-ups for the 1 hour presentation. It wasn't a tough job at all but I had been getting very little sleep. So, good night guys. Till then, x

Another busy week has passed, done with my business law paper and I was pleased as punch that it was doable — not as hard as expected. I did not study until the last hour before the paper, so I'm glad I was able to do it else I'd be such a dead meat! Roy and I are settled down in the new place with all the stuff in the cozy room. Pretty much done up and we hit Ikea store yesterday, got some baskets, boxes and what not. R and I both agreed that the most satisfying corners of the room are the area for my books and his display cabinet. For my area, as discussed and planned, we have a tall glass shelf for my books. Anyway they just take up two partitions, so Roy placed our love boxes on the others. The whole display set's very eye-capturing. But kinda shy that all the big boxes, cards and scrapbooks I did for him are all sitting on that big shelf that only an idiot will miss once stepped into the room. For his own cabinet which is beside the TV console and built-in wardrobe, he got his whole collection of watches and our childhood photos. So cute. I intend to save up more so he can have more collections of Mont Blanc on top of his own

So much about the happy stuff, we do have our little disputes and misunderstanding too. Last wednesday, I had a sleep over at his place. We started quarreling at 6am and I just stood at the balcony to cry my heart out. After my head started to give problem again, we decided to put all things down n went to bed at 10am. Anyway, I wouldn't wanna talk about this because I won't want anyone to judge him. Alright, just an insight. He's a heavy sleeper. Not just that, but he doze off really fast; say 5 seconds? So I was feeling pretty upset and I thought I had a useless boyfriend. I hate to lay in bed, so awake that I just keep waiting for myself to get sleepy. Speaking of which, I have a part to play in too. I should have curbed on my temper better, and better. Things just happened at the wrong timing. Funnily, he'd always think I'm the hard-hearted n harsh one whenever we quarrel. How I bombarded him with all the harsh words and attitude, while not giving a damn for his feelings. But here on my side, I do think the same toward him. How on earth can someone so sweet and endearing become such a cold and stern guy right in front of me...Until I threw my arms over him and he came all soft again. I hate how we quarrel and at that instance, it felt like we don't know each other. Just yesterday, we were back from Ikea, sorting out all the boxes and stuff that have been laying there for days. I opened up this box and they were all his childhood photo albums. I flipped through the first photo and it was him doing an ugly-adorable face. I was told that he'd show me all his younger photos on our 1st year. True indeed, it brought this anticipating feeling in me and I always don't ask him to show them to me. So I closed it back, and that's when I noticed an envelope

The envelope looked so unfamiliar and I knew it wasn't mine to him. I opened up (curiosity kills) but the pieces of letters looked like I wrote them for him, until... The words, the name 'She' called him, the signing off. Just then, he came into the room. "You might want to tear this up" I said as I passed that letter to him, head tilted to one side. Hey I was still giving a little smile. He opened up and we talked about it but my tears just kept flowing in 2 seconds. I was neither jealous nor angry but just purely disappointed that he didn't tell me things that I was supposed to know. I tell him every single detail of my life, literally of course. But it seems that I always find out stuff later that I hate to know/see/hear. Y'see, you always accept the ugly truths better if it comes out as an honest confession or self-explanation but once you find out things that he has been keeping from you (be it intentional or not to hide some small details that could mean a lot to you), that's it. And I don't understand why I am sad, he has to be mad. I told him to leave me alone, since for this case, what does he expect me to do. Forgive n forget the next sec? I can do that, but that won't come out honest from me. Right. After telling R to leave me alone while I sorted out his clothes, he told me to give it a thought since he didn't mind when he saw the past e-mails that I still keep. Well hey, those e-mails came from? Prashan? Sha? You know them. Now who signed out this sweet little letter for you? Melody? Oh who the hell is that

I don't mean to kick a fuss out of this issue again but every time I find out stuff that I don't like, it makes me fall deeper into this whole disappointing shit again. I was so pleased, or more than just pleased, that at least we have this new room full of nothing but just us and our stuff. It may not mean much to a guy, but it hell does mean a lot to me. I was the one who taped up that box, which the damn letter was in it, and wrote a big 'Personal' on it. Then I brought it to the new place, and even opened up. Hell right it was personal! I do not see things as they are, I see things as we are. I thought that we have such a special room of our own, free from unwanted stuff. But days after we moved in, till I opened up that box, I have been staying in a room with a letter that stained our relationship. Yes, he immediately tore it up when he knew it upset me, because he really did not pack that box and saw the letter. If he knew it, he would have tore it up even way before we moved in. But again, how was I supposed to buy this story? I trust him, I love him a lot. Just that I don't like knowing things later that aren't even coming out of his mouth. I know that's how a relationship works. Disappointments and anger constitute a healthy one; having pure happiness every day does not make a couple stronger

So to conclude all, I'm still very fortunate to have Roy in my life because not anyone can give me this much of love and affection. Throughout this 11 months plus of journey, our love has brought so much happiness, sadness and experiences to us. With him around, I always feel so comfortable. Even though there were many times I told him how tired I got and I didn't wanna have all of that anymore, he still hung on tight and believed with all of his heart that we would get through all together. He always believes and believes, never once has he given up on us. This is something I truly love about him, and it gives me so much assurance and faith in us too. Last Christmas, we started talking to each other at 12:40am. It was such a good talk because both of us felt comfortable and cheerful in such a long time! This year, we spent it together in a very simple way. Just the two of us, company that worth more than anything. We're turning 1 year old, and it's such a good feeling knowing that. Bursting from thinking of the awesome plans we made for the 16th of Jan. I love you, Roy. Always...

This week has been insanely busy but I have been enjoying every process. First were the never-ending online assignments; discussions, test reviews and essays. In the midst of the two modules that I was quite confident about getting Distinctions, I had to start studying for my next paper which is Business Law. Ok the stress part isn't here yet, cause I had quality relax n fun apart from the school stuff. Didn't really get much night rest though, and especially so when these few days I started on the B.L. assignment which totally got me stuck staring at my Macbook. Got my classmates's help but y'see, I still got these green veins popping out of my forehead. Haven't had them for a while, which means I haven't been feeling the stress till lately. Gonna need my Yoga again soon after I'm done with all these commitments. So the last time my cousin came over from Perth, I promised I was gonna do something special for her instead of the sweet letters that always got ants coming. I knew cupcakes were always her fave, so I told myself OK! I'm just gonna do that! And in the blink of an eye, 5 months passed and I baked some for her. To be honest, I didn't use Self-raising flour but basic flour with baking soda, did not put enough sugar even after knowing how much that girl needs it in her life, and I didn't get Unsalted butter. Okay what an impression I made... Haha but people who tasted the cupcakes I made gave nice comments though, which is no doubt encouraging :)

I know that in order to live a life that satisfy me, I need to be optimistic. Even like if I do all the stuff on the checklist of the week and I was not enjoying myself at all, there is no point. Of course it is so much easier said than done, but so long you try and give your best, there is always this ray of hope to happiness; being happy in whatever you do. I believe that everything that's done in this world is not just working through physical means or verbally, but hope. So last night I was with one of my favorite people, Whit. We spent the whole night talking about each other and when we got hungry, we hit the nearest 24/7 McDonalds. I began telling her why do I feel sad at night, like something is missing out of my life even though I know I have all that I need; Roy, my family, studies and everything else. She said perhaps I need more adventure. Is happiness an emotion, or just a state of mind? I do know that happiness doesn't come to everybody all the time, but it's like goal-driven and motivated. We all got to know what do we want in life and work toward it. I've been trying... Everything has been good and almost great now. I have the best boyfriend who showers me with endless love every second of my life, being so understanding and loving. I know my family will always be here for me too, just by the way they love me since I was born into this world. I can honestly say, I do feel the doldrums sometimes, but I'm perfectly okay - I'm very happy with what I got and who I am right now...

Anyway, today is my 11th month with my boyfriend, who loves me more than how much he loves eating, vice versa. As usual, I did a scrapbook and whipped up something for him this noon. This time round was Mexican cuisine, Mexican beef (Love the Ground Cumin taste) with Hot Artichoke Dip. Boy, how much he loved it! While I was in the kitchen, he collected my dress from the alteration. We are going to have our Spicy wings at Sunset Grill n Pub after months of talking about it. So excited! And all the more eager to look forward to our 1st year next 16th, which spells my 19th birthday too :)

School has been tiring and dreadful. It isn't because of my laziness that I haven't been attending my Accounting lectures and tutorials, but boy, you should meet this lecturer of mine. Just like for today, I could skip school in the morning but head down to that area again afterward, just for my Yoga. For the rest, they are lazy to go to school all because of the distance. So you see how it's not laziness that's killing me? On another note, the exams are near and my three modules are almost done. Time to really hit the books because my classmates and I haven't been listening in class except flashing our Ipod Touch and gaining access to the school wifi

Nice feeling of accomplishing something:I've been trying to fit in some yoga classes in between my schedule because I just can't bear to waste all this money and opportunity. R paid 1xxx for this whole 1-year package and even for myself, Yoga is really helpful for the muscles which would make the spine straight. The first few times I started doing Yoga, my balance, body muscles and even my patience were very bad. When I came home from my first trial, I was so juiced up and jumpy, telling R how much I love this center, the people over there and the dance and yoga classes. It's really a great opportunity because not all people can find the money and time to make this commitment. Thus far, I've gone for some classes like Hot Yoga, Gentle, Holistic Yoga, Sun Salutation, Therapy and Hatha Yoga. Even before joining this yoga center, I ever did go for Hatha with Michelle and it was funny cause we were more like having fun than being serious over there. The top reason I'm willing to go for the classes and not let my R's investment wasted is because Yoga is really a cure for people who are stressed-up, depressed and times when they feel lost in themselves. I'm not afraid to admit but I'm someone who is often emotional and my mind runs wild all the time. Yoga is the only time I don't frown and it's really fun to go through all of the moves even though some may be tough...

Yoga Stretch

Hot Flow


I would love it if someone were to take pictures of me doing my postures because I can then post them in this blog instead of Googling for pictures. But it's just not gonna happen...... ;)

I like how I would list out all of the things I want for my birthday and you would laugh so heartily like a boy. Even some days and in between talks, since months ago, I would be reminded of those stuff to be added onto my wish list. That's when I go on and go about the design/color and everything else that you need to know. I thought it would always make you go crazy, but never did — it always makes you truly happy and you promised all of them without second thoughts. X'mas is around the corner and x'mas 09 was the day we started talking. Yes, the day we officially got to know each other and it was such a great night, we clicked so beautifully...well. That moment would never come again — like how we first started with talking all politely and make sure we don't blabber anything wrong — there is nothing finer than that. (Hahaha now we just speak our mind as and when we like! We even talk about the ugliest things) It is so cute whenever I thought of our little conversation on that night. U were stuck in camp for a duty and I cheered you up by saying how I do not like to celebrate x'mas. Seeing the relatives and arrogant kids with their big perfect x'mas tree, you told me how you like the idea that was going through my mind. So in roughly 3 weeks' time, it will be our official one year we met each other. It may mean nothing to anybody, but it does to me

Rain has been making me so lazy to attend school now. I just want to watch all the seasons of Desperate Housewives and stay up all night. I know it's high time we get the coats and sneakers out but I have been so sleepy all day long that school is quite a dread for me nowadays. The lecturers are getting so pissed with us from the impatient looks on their faces. Just earlier today, we were having a sushi party in the classroom and there was never a day the class is silent with us around... So last night I was in bed catching my drama and a strong tornado hit Wisteria Lane. Just occurred to me how fortunate we are yet we don't realize this fact but keep complaining about how badly we want to leave this bad country. Personally, I'm a huge complainer being a Singapore resident but to be fair, we do not have to live through natural disasters like tornado, floods or tsunami. We just don't know how fortunate we actually are, at times

Tried Sivananda Yoga yesterday... Started off with this position and I was sweating all over already!
Especially the neck...

Good experience. Gonna try out all the other types of Yoga...

When we were 10, we vowed to stay in a big house with a beautiful and exquisite hair salon, whereby we three girls would laugh through every single day with no worries. Sometimes we would get into small tiffs and I was always the one sandwiched in between. We were the bestest girlfriends; we got each others' back like if any were to be bullied, we would surely create hell of a hell. Even though we always stood so close and sweet, there were times we bitched about each other too. Maybe not for me though, I never liked Gossip Girls, while you girls were always more of the drama fans. A year ago, we were still having all the crazy sleepovers, never-ending laughter and fun. Do you still remember? I still marvel at the fact that although we have so much flaws that get on our nerves, it was so hard or impossible for me to get over you girls. Clothes of hers left in my wardrobe; The fat handwriting on my birthday card saying how much she loved me; The poignant road that we used to spend hours passing by and having heart-to-heart talks; Like a story enriched with details I can only imagine, so fresh and hard to forget. So I got her address today and decided to send out a letter filled with nothing but heart-felt words that I've been keeping in me...

School's been well, especially good with the company of my classmates that make lessons not as dull as the lecturers' teaching ways. Home's good, getting livelier and glowing. My on-going relationship with my awesome bf has been great and crazy. Some days, I totally had some serious anger-management problem and our day was ended up in tears and hugs. It's a bliss to have him around, always so understanding. Yoga's been great too. Just a week ago, I joined this Combat Class that made me felt energized for the entire day; Just going around showing off the kick-boxing movements I've learned wasn't really a cool thing for a person like me who always need to maintain a pleasant image. Halloween was a week ago; I got my sailor girl costume just a day before. Bf was a pirate, and we spent a fun night with his friend Iain, and my classmates. Ended the night with supper at King Albert Park. Well I shouldn't have started this post with such sensitive issue especially because nowadays I rarely get the feel to type something out here anymore. Anyhow, it's never easy to entirely get some people out of your heart, not to mention erasing off from the complicated mind. So, keep those you truly love

I'm a lover, not a fighter. Unless it is necessary, I would never bother ending things up in a conflict. Usually, I tell myself not to care because I don't gain anything from it. Worse, would end up being called something nasty and earn myself a filthy reputation. I admit I'm not someone easy to please at times, this I admittedly agree I take over my Dad's trait. If anyone walks all over me, I'll suck it up for the first time and remain calm but I definitely don't stand there if there were to be harm caused. I think people are so used to seeing the naturally calm side of me that they take advantage. There is also another mad side of me which I don't like to see, and nobody would want to see that of me too. Say something unpleasant about my family, especially my parents and boyfriend, the term 'forgive but never forget' would inherently coined up. All of us just want to lead our lives morally. Who would want to see others getting hurt? I guess pretty much of us have met pathetic people in our lives, at least come across one who's 2-faced and always tries so hard to be nice to you in person but talks shit behind the back. Go get 'em!

So I've been on a short hiatus and back with what I did for the past 2 weeks of school break. Everything hadn't been exactly great, shit happened here n there but well I made it through. If I were to describe my break in a sentence it'd most definitely be: I've been busy and crazy. Apart from the emotional breakdowns in between — upon saying this, it doesn't always happen to me and my boyfriend so you jealous little peas stop trying to judge my life if you know no shit — I did a couple of fun things too

• Tried Bollywood Dance n Fusion Dance (Of course I was just missing out a coconut tree for the Bollywood Dance to weave in and out, and Fusion; Wow, it was totally like Modern Dance which I've lately had a burning passion for. Slow graceful moves, full of expression. Exactly what I look for in dancing)
• Lunch with Karen (Who watched me grow)
  
• Read up a Steak book and got 3 new novels from the Borders (I don't really read anymore now that school has taken up half of my time and I only get to do so during the journey to and fro from school)
• Grooming session for Mafia, but that naughty one scratched the car windows so hard that there were scratches which we need to get them changed for the new ones for extra cost (Will take a pic of it; so many deep scratches that couldn't possibly be able for us not to ignore)
  
• Did my hair and I'm officially a redhead now!

Last night, many things ran through my mind — not that it didn't for the rest of the nights — but it was really a whole lot of thinking. As much as I would want myself to stay happy for a solid week without a single worry, it seems impossible enough. Don't even mention the trivial ones like how we get into argument and conflict in school or out somewhere. Maybe I've been harping onto it too much till the extent that it seems almost everyone around me has this day whereby they would stop and decide to give me shit. Everyone judges, but the worst is to actually believe in what you hear from others, instead of judging by yourself. I believe since I started getting all the unnecessary attention from secondary school — true indeed I didn't need any of those — people started bitching around about me, even things that are not true. I mean okay if you wanna talk about me, you make sure what you say are purely facts, and also, no one truly knows me except myself. Speaking of which, close people who know me would always say no matter how much time they've known me or how deep they know of me, they still don't quite get me at times. Even myself, I still marvel at the truth that I don't understand myself at times. But I like myself this way, so I see no need in people telling me to stop being contradicting or mysterious or whatsoever because I do not need to change in this way. So my point is that no one should hear from what others say, unless you see or hear it from yourself. If not, just imagine yourself getting bitched or backstabbed and hearing it from somewhere or someone you did not expect at all. Whenever somebody whispered something so not cool about someone, which obviously is called gossiping, I would go "Oh" and it immediately goes out from the other ear. Trust me, it's totally unfair for the innocent ones. Probably all my life those bitches out there have been making up stories about me and I ended up getting all the wrong opinions but that's alright for I believe in karma. What goes around, comes back around eventually
ps: quit asking, my current classmates are a bunch of lame yet nice people; they don't talk bad about me. whatever I write here isn't exactly about me...

For the past few nights, we spent some good time with Bryan and Vincent. Went drinking after a good supper with Bryan. I was knocked out when I reached home... After a while, we still enjoyed going into M'sia to spend time with Vincent, with just some tea here and there. It was funny the way he cheered me up, despite the fact that my boy was being such a turd right beside. But after a good cry and some laughter, we managed to get even closer than before. Such a shame whenever we had to let anger get over our head. However angry I might be, I still must consider the fact that he's been so wonderful to me and I can never find another him in others. On the 16th this month, he actually took all the effort to find all the Snoopy that I wanted. First was a Snoopy bolster. Then was a red one that caught my attention even though we were talking unhappily over the line. The third one was a pink one that both of us saw on a toy vending machine. I was rather grumpy when we couldn't get it and seeing how sad I was, (that was what he said) he blurted out something that immediately got me mad. Well I was, and do you have any idea what he actually said? He was like "okay I'll get it for you don't worry else we won't get married at all" Boy was I super pissed that I began fucking the shit out of him. "how could you take our marriage so easily? it's just a toy, i don't need it... get away" He was like laughing all the way and omg, trust me, I almost punched him right in the face. That night, he took me to a place with a beautiful view up on top of the trees. Not only that, he did present the pink Snoopy plush to me. So, the curse is broken, and we can get married...?Right so being a puppy with everyone celebrating his 2nd birthday with a special cake edible for both him and us, with a huge jar of cookies and other food, what else more can he ask for? I can say he's quite fortunate already... In a while's time, we are all going down to throw a small party for the little one. Can't wait

After one of the usual dinners at Bottle Tree, we were thinking of places to spend our Sat night. We ended up at the Firestation Hillside Gastrobar sipping liquor with buffalo wings while my love had his usual beer. I was greeted by this strong pungent scent amongst the lush scenery once I sat down onto the couch. It got better for me after we changed seats immediately. Started talking a bit louder after I was beet red cos I thought I wanted to hear my own echo other than the background music. Everything was peaceful and nice till this waitress who had voice as deep as the combination of three bulls disturbed my inner peace. I wish I can rewind back the time and listen to all that you had to say. You, together with the right atmosphere, were beautiful and memorable. You started pouring your heart out and getting pretty emotional with things that have been gnawing at you. The moonlight beaming down and with that melancholy eyes of yours, I told myself again that I am gonna be there for you all my life. I want to protect you, from all harm and unfairness
I think we’re always responsible for our actions. We’re free. I raise my hand – I’m responsible. I turn my head to the right – I’m responsible. I’m unhappy – I’m responsible. I smoke a cigarette – I’m responsible. I shut my eyes – I’m responsible. I forget that I’m responsible, but I am. I told you escape is a pipe dream. After all, everything is beautiful. You only have to take an interest in things, see their beauty. It’s true. After all, things are just what they are. A face is a face. Plates are plates. Men are men. And life...is life.
- Vivre Sa Vie (1962)

A pretty bad week trying to fight off the massive weakness throughout my whole body. Had a bloated stomach and constant nausea, sucks. Other than that, the concern I got from my surrounding people—especially R for taking care of me—was indeed worth it. Days before that illness which I deemed as Hell, I was still indulging myself in Sashimi and liquors. Was indeed a bad time to go through, I had no appetite at all and my moods changed way faster than how much time I took to force myself to eat up a spoonful of porridge. Even before the previous week, Love was already down with terrible cough, flu and slight fever. I guess it hurt us pretty deep to see each other in such state. On the other side, things were well. It all comes down to these same few things each time I try to pen down my thoughts of the week. Things that I learn everyday; patience, love, understanding. Things like time, money, friendship, happiness, sorrow

Sorrow... Many times at night, he would get all quiet and stare at us with pure sadness in the eyes. We have been observing this for long. Whenever it's time for us to get out of home, he would sit by the couch, munch on his big fat ball slowly; nibble, stare, stop. He would wag his tail when we give him treats, but it doesn't do much of effect after a while. It saddens me that the only possible fact to this behavior could be due to loneliness. We can't do anything to change this, but we could only sigh by the fact of how unfair life can get at times. It does break my heart to see him wag his tail whenever he sees me at the gate; how his head would tilt from one side to another when he hears something funny or attractive like the magical word "Mamam"—which means food; and how he would sit around me when I eat cause knowing what's on his mind, I'm always the one who would give my food to him. On the sad part, I don't think he ever knows I do feel sad for him. Does he? When I see him cry, I can't help but cry along too. Every live has emotions, and when it comes to him, I'm always trying to be understanding toward all things. Even though he can never know how I feel, but I don't blame him

Well once or twice when I used to cry, he would come over, stare for a sec then lick me all over. From how he tried to get near me to show some affection, I knew from then that sometimes he wished he could help but was clueless on how to, even though I could say he has already helped so by licking my bitter tears away. I don't deny I do know they non-human beings do get emotionally complex too. Previously, I had done some research on whether they do in fact cry but I got answers like they do only when they are hungry, hurt, neglected or want some attention. It can't be any of these reasons that he feels sad because we always make sure he gets enough food—well at least I do—and whenever R or I would accidentally step on his little toe we would apologize and pamper him like a baby. No way would he feel neglected, I always try to play with him with every chance I get even when I'm occupied with work. I mean 9/10 of the researches strongly agree that castration is the right way. Of course till now, I'm still not certain if it is indeed so. Sure indeed it's best for its health and to increase longevity. But again, I'm sure everyone who has a choice to live, would want to experience all the things thoroughly in life. By neutering, we can save another 5 years or so, but well, in loneliness. I still think these things matter the most in the end: How fully did we get to live and experience, and not the period of life. I mean I'm not married with a happy family of my own yet, but I bet it's such a bliss to see children of your own blood! Or for this case, a bunch of baby pups cuddling around. Aww. But what's done has been done and I strongly believe every human being and non-human has the right to live life deeply and meaningfully. Most people would ultimately disagree, still harping onto the fact that neutering would be the best decision. Well I guess it still boils down to the same conclusion; they are just like us humans, having to fight against emotions; for loneliness is the worst suffering on earth. We can only suck it up and share our happiness with him as best as we could. Love you, Maf

Every living creature has emotions. Like myself, I have grown to love the little one more and more each day. I never get sick of seeing him. Days when R and I would get unhappy with each other, the sight of M would bring a smile on our face and make things all right. It's really sad to see him tear, how his eyes would get so red and watery. Listeners would disagree by saying how their eyes are naturally watery but all I have to say is I can literally connect myself to him psychologically. I understand what he has to go through—the happy and sad parts, or at least I try to. Here I'm doing up this long post and crying, yet again, for one of the love ones in my life. Hands up to emotions for I give in too easily most of the time. It's been quite a while since I last posted pictures in my blog posts. I shall upload 4 for now, but of course you won't see my face here

I remember the fun times we had, I do. In fact it comes to my mind quite often, even during the busiest moments of the day. When we reconciled years back, I thought it was so nice hanging out again. As we started getting better and better each day, I swear it was the best time of my life—having you as my best friend by my side everyday. We eat, laugh, sing, sleep, and cry together. Until I stopped meeting you and actually told you straight that you weren't a nice friend because of your personalities and how you acted. I was blunt and harsh but those were true words from my heart. Even though we do not talk, meet up and laugh together as much now, but I can't help the memories from flooding back too. Can't help but keep replaying the sad song on your blog, and can't help it but drop a hundred tears for you. Well, my bf just came and cried along with me too. We had such a special friendship that I won't be able to forget in this lifetime. I just wish you well, for the rest of your cheerful years ahead. Keep on smiling, for your smile is the only thing that will stay so clear in my mind for as long, really

Just few of my favorites to share over here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1y3osZmaBk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yk3TgyvaK8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN0AyGVN-eY&feature=related love the most

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iKPA59wAJI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV-RC9tyP84 love the girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_WBwV6qS0U&feature=related

These are past memories... How I grew up from all the temporary happiness which I deemed could last me a lifetime, sorrows and unhappiness that made me stronger, and tolerates that I had been enduring before I put a halt to everything...

When I just started my first year in sec school, everything was new and fresh to me. I learned to cook for that person I regarded as my love one, I cried so much but I thought I was just not mature enough to handle things, I went home in my uniform so late everyday; the earliest would be 6 in the evening and latest would go up till 11pm. It hasn't even hit me till we stopped seeing each other completely that I wasn't sure if my love for you was that strong as my determination was to wait up. We could only communicate through letters, and only letters. It was tough for me to make that decision, but I'm glad I did and not pulled it till later. Screw "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I was young and shy, but what we had—I wouldn't say was puppy love—was no doubt memorable as it was my first and it lasted for a 3 years. But it does not matter as much to me now that we have gone our own separate ways. You were gentle yet aggressive, kind yet the last impression I had of you wasn't like this, understanding and honest yet jealous and always attempting to violence. Now, you are just a guy who walked past my life

In between, I was having many close relationships with guys—I wouldn't say flings—but they didn't last long and memorable enough for me to express down here. Until in 2008, things were serious again. It was all wrong from the start. From the moment I lay my eyes on your hands—the ring on your fourth finger shining so brightly under the sunlight—it was already wrong. It was a great week spent together, but as days went by, I began having the gnawing anxiety at how soon all of that would end. We only had a few days to see each other, and how hard it was to force those terrible negative feelings away. True as expected—even though we still get to talk after you took your flight back—it was not the same anymore. I fell in a deep depression; nothing mattered anymore and I only wanted to fly over to spend all my time with you. Ask my friends; oh they knew how sad I was. You were optimistic yet always giving those sad eyes, small-sized but tough in fact, sweet and but not very receptive toward confessions, dark; I never knew what you were thinking behind those smiles. Now, I think of you as just a hi-bye friend

The people who claimed they knew me—in actual fact no one really did—said I was sort of a full supporter of multiple races because one day I could be seen dating a Malay, Caucasian, then the next with Indian, and whatever. I did not plan that, as it all just came naturally though. I met someone who was very kind, and he had the same birthday as my mom whom I thought of as the kindest person in the world. But things weren't that simple after a few months. I thought I was going out with a multiple personality disorder person; in the middle of the night he would demand me to cab down to look for him when I was having my major exam. Ask the girls, they were so mad either! Then I heard stuff that torn me apart. At that moment, I only felt like stealing a gun and blow his head off. But no, I couldn't waste my future on him, when I already had done so for 6 months. Anyway, I'd say he's the worst I've ever met... Enuff'

After having gone through all that, I was sure I wasn't gonna fall for anyone any more, at least not for a while. Been through so much shit and I was left in a mess, I received the best X'mas present ever—That boy called Roy whom our friend in common was Raymond. On 25th Dec 2009. I still remember the following day after we first met, I was away on a vacation for a few days. As much as I'd like to think of, I wasn't truly enjoying myself because I missed talking to you. The feeling was so strong and new. It was crazy, but you had already become a part of me at that instant. You are the only person who will drop everything to be with me at any time no matter what the circumstances. We often come up with endless questions that we know will never be answered—why do we only meet each other now after going through so many previous people and all the shits. Perhaps the nearest answer to that would be how we grow from all of the heartbreaks and sorrows, else we wouldn't be as strong as we are like right now. It's true that you are the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I'd wanna grow old with you, I want you to be my last guy, I wanna marry you. It's true—I want nothing except this feeling to go on forever

Just today, the program managers were here to listen to our feedback about this lecturer that my classmates were so persistent to chase her out of the class and never come back. So no doubt, lecturer M does have very strong indian slang but I'm still fine; quite neutral towards her. The main problem they're just unhappy with is that every sec or two she'd drop us e-mail to do up on our online discussion board. And they felt quite pressurized because being college students, obviously we'd want to totally have no contact with books and just let loose - at least for a good weekend - but it seemed like M kept bombarding us with e-mails asking us to update every now and then. I do admit this is sick, but on the fair side, if we really have the intention - we got every right and it's our choice - to ignore all of these then we won't be grumbling right now. I've been burning my past 3 weekends with piles of school work. Been busy and crazy with not just the latter, but also with my personal life; emotions kinda screwed lately

Okay I know there are so much things I want to talk about in my blog, to just update it as and when I want and need to, like on a daily basis but I did not. I logged into this account and begun writing, barely a sentence and I just backspaced everything then close down the window. Obviously I couldn't have the urge in me to like, flounce from the internet given my unstable emotions. That's why I'm sitting down talking about the changes in my life so calmly now. Faced with really difficult problems and things, well they were escalating and getting worse, which had reached the breaking point already. I cried all the time, too much, till my head couldn't take the extreme pain and I had to use the TV controller to hit it uncountable times. I bet those tears I shed for continuous days and nights could fill up a cup to its brim. I was in such dire straits that I felt so lost of what to do at all. Normally, I'm not this bad off but I was just generally sad. I mean, depressed. So I started throwing my tantrums a lot, even since the beginning of this year. My anger management was just getting worse till on one special day, which marked my 7th month with my boyfriend, I promised to curb my temper after all this shit. Now, I'm taking an overview and expressing out what I felt, and feel, because we all have to move on in life. PS: Even though it's just 2 days, but I haven't showed a slight of temper, and I'm feeling proud of myself. This is one thing I'm gonna continue working hard for in myself because it does affect my surrounding people's moods a lot. And I'm already 18 and old enough to know what is wise

Yesterday, we sat in the dark and had a heart-to-heart talk. You taught me something valuable - you always do. When we have too high expectations of all things, and forget the fact that not all things go our way, we can only expect disappointments in the end. An army of invisible men lines up in us, they link arms and form a barrier that separates us from our soul. But if we are easy on things, most importantly, easy on ourselves, the men will put down their shields and rest. Then, we can be all of us again. It isn't easy to change so much negative sides of myself; be it having highly expectations since forever, being so temperamental and bad-tempered, or expecting things to always stay the same. I'm getting the grip of it and I'm sure I can pull it off far better than I had tried before - which I kept returning back to the same attitude after a while. It's you that give me so much faith to get better in every way, R. I don't want my negativeness to put our relationship at a risk, if y'know what I mean. My friends said I seem like a great girlfriend, to always write you notes, buy nothing much for myself but spending on you when your intention to gimme allowance was to spend solely on myself, and etc. I would beg to differ; I didn't know how to treat you better in the beginning of our relationship. All these cruel memories come flooding back to me and I can't help but bring it all up and remind myself what a bitch I was.
- When we were about 2 or 3 months old, I got angry over the slightest things because I felt you needed to dote on me and not be mad at me afterward. When we were in the game shop, I told you my head was hurting bad. Judging so well of the situation and problem, you took off my hairband because it was really hard on my head. I got pissed and refused to talk to you for a while. That was one of the times I feel what an asshole should be like.
- Then, when we were out, I'd tell you how cute that guy was and how the other smiled at me. I did not consider your feelings, knowing how hurt you must have felt while I said all that in a moment of folly. I was so ignorant and you were so silly. Right now, it would kill me to even see you talking to girls in the service line. Huh, pretty pathetic right? I can go on and on about how I didn't used to care that much of your feelings, but I swear upon anything that right now I'm absolutely particular about how you feel every time I made a statement and if I am doing good enough for you

Now that I'm reminded of it, I went to M'sia, Pontian, with R and his parents on a Sunday morning - in between my busy weekends. It was a nice trip, with a lot of plantations everywhere. We went to this wet market and everybody was talking in their loudest tone. The fishes were so huge and even though I can never stand the stench of wet market, I still felt quite comfortable and warm because the people there were so happy and friendly. When I was around 5 years old, I'd always wait for mom somewhere outside the wet market when she was shopping for the freshest groceries, although lecherous uncles would never stop whistling at me, god damn yes I was just so young I wasn't even tall enough to kick those filthy smelly asses. From Pontian, we bought a lot of durians and fishes home. It was a simple trip but at least it relaxed me a little. So today after class, I headed for lunch with my big bunch of classmates and spent our noon at the arcade. They were pretty nice, knowing I had to look for some books, they accompanied me everywhere - like all of them. We had much laughter... They were going through this Name book and begun searching up for definitions of names and started laughing by themselves. Anthea was flower and Roy was the king. So yup. I was playing this fighting video game with the guys and I beat two of 'em as easy as peanuts but Melvyn took up my challenge and man, he was good at that. Sweetheart, let us play that sometime soon! We should take a break from Naruto already. Goal this week: Take a breather outside enjoying nature and think of how fortunate I am, as compared to people who don't have things that I do. x

I've had a really bad night yesterday. The thoughts that got me pondering over kept me awake till 5am when I had to wake up in few hours' time for my driving test. We do all kinds of things to safeguard ourselves; impulse decisions. For instance, lie to the people we love. The last time I lied, (as far as my memory takes me) I felt downright disgusted by myself. I'm not saying my partner has cheated me, vice versa. It's just a random bring-up... They say, when you lie intentionally especially to your loved ones, you will get burnt in hell. I don't believe in hell but I heck do believe in karma. Once you lie, you will need 99 excuses to cover up. Before you make a fool out of yourself and by causing hurt to the other partner, why not be honest from the start? It doesn't harm to be true, although truth hurts. We do things out of our conscience. Clear conscience is resisting temptation/not lie of a small mistake so as not to hurt the other person. If we still want to go ahead with doing something we obviously know is morally wrong, then there needs to be some good burning and spanking of ass in hell

You have never lied to me, as far as I know of. I just need you to stay this way

Each day, there will be new obstacles. There are endless of things to worry for in this world. I'm born a worrier, but who says I can't change this fact? Anything can be changed so long we put our heart into doing it. Just yesterday, I told R: "I'm impulsive, stubborn, hot-tempered. Guess I'm fated to be like this all my life" He replied saying: "Now you're wrong; we can control and change our fate. Those traits you mentioned, can all be improved and reduced. Fate lies in your hands." So me being the greatest worrier, which runs in the genes, I should just follow my natural rhythm to do all things, and maybe it will get better. I must learn to let loose, relax and enjoy every process...no? Speaking of which, I have this issue with 'expectations' for long

I always expect a lot—all my life I've been like this—and what I got from the results are pure disappointments. It's important to have expectations in life, but too much of them just screw things up. Don't talk about nervousness or calmness; even when I am totally calm I still get shits. Things just always don't go the way we want (one of the facts we have to live with) It's not an easy task to erase off overly-high expectations. Well I just don't like how when things don't end up the way we expected, we get so disappointed. Time after time...and my emotions are so screwed. They have hurt me so much, since I started telling myself I need to score A for this and that; I want that perfect boy; I need to do these tasks within a period. Goals. We have goals in life because we have a standard of expectations in the future. But doesn't it seem like we're so obsessed with working out our goals that we find ourselves living in the future instead of the present? Having plans is most crucial amongst all; at least we know we are working towards something realistic and useful, instead of completing the goals that we just want to accomplish and feel happy for that instant

Anthea, xoxo

4:55AM. Boyfriend is washing his car while I am feeling 99% awake. No, isn't an early morning for both of us, all the more not a morning car wash. We just came back from the car workshop at around 2 so yeah we reached around 9pm but waited for hours to do up the headlights. Anyway, this afternoon we were at some workshop either; took off the bonnet and boot, and replaced with the original stock white ones. It was very hard for us to part with the bonnet, esp R, who had spent so much time with it. The whole time, he was very nostalgic, and I mean very. I kept putting happy songs on repeat, did retarded dance movements like yoYoyy0 and pretended I was the airplane and shooting stars. He told me how much he loves this happy side of me. Now baby projectR looks more to the classy side. We have been drafting out all our ideas and now it's finally done, well almost. In all honesty, I'm loving this new look...

Anyway, at the workshop this arvo, I saw three parrots. One was pure white and cheerful, the other with beautiful bright green and blue feathers—exactly like the typical ones at the birdpark, and the other gray one locked in the cage—all sulky yet fierce-looking. After some interaction, the pure white playful one talked to me. Okay it was like "Who are you" or "How old are you". Totally evoked a surprise to me. I didn't really catch it cos it was speaking in mandarin hahaha so I answered anyway. I quickly blurted out a "Huh?" before I continued saying "I'm your friend..." "I'm 18..." Yeah almost like an idiot. So I was playing with them—to be honest only to the white parrot—and how they reminded me of these two green parrots my brother once had. The first one was named Texas and the other was Lucky. Gotta admit, I'm more attracted to Texas because he's more lovable; always whistling cheerfully. I'd love to keep a lot of pets with me; talkative parrots, huge dogs, turtles, fishes. In fact, while I was marveling at those lovely ones, I nearly wanted one immediately. After some consideration, I decided I didn't wanna do any more decisions on impulse... Sometimes I can't even take good care of myself and had to let my boyfriend worry every minute, so what makes me think I can take care of those little lives too?